She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
