I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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