i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
