Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
