I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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