they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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