Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
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Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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