i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
