the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
