I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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