Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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