It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
