A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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