Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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