I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize