Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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