life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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