she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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