He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i drank out of a bidet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
