apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
