I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize