So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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