we have pet lesbian snakes
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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