I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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