His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
