My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
