I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
