butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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