Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
