Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
