Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Everclear isn't food dammit
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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