If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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