My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
