Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
