Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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