yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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