Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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