She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
