Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
