final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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