You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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