you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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