I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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