I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
