listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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