I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
