I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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