My liver just broke up with me...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
