I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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