All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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