I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She needs sedatives and a leash
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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