i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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