dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
