you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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