Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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