Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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