I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
