my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
